This morning I am sticking on the fourth of those lovely little plastic patches and I don't feel any difference from 10 days ago when I applied the first. This much is ok as I had not expected any change, especially on the low dose that they start you on.
But there has been a change, though only indirectly attributable to the patches. I now feel in limbo. I suppose that this is due to feeling like I have started the final journey towards that lifelong goal of letting the world know that there is a woman hiding in this man's body yet there is nothing to show that I am at last on the move.
I probably spend less time right now in my chosen role and gender that I did this time last year, and this just contributes to that feeling of a life in limbo. The main culprit here is my Electrolysis sessions. I go two days a week for one hour sessions for this bit of madness where I allow someone to stick a needle into my face and fire an electric current, and then they repeat this as many times as they can in the hour. Said out loud it does sound mad.
With the prep time were I don't shave for the preceding days it does not leave much time in the week when it is possible to put my make up on to a hair free face. In reality it is just about a day and a half, since work seems to get in the way. Living away from the family home as I now am it should be a joyful time living 24/7 in my correct role and yet despite feeling feminine I can't express it as well as I would want.
I guess that it is like the phoney war in 1939 where people knew that something big was about to happen but spent all their time in preparation. The comparison continues in as much as that after months of preparation all hell will break loose , in my case when I go full-time later this year and work colleagues in particular will be exposed to the real me.
I know that this period in limbo is a necessary part of the process but knowing it does not make it any easier to accept. Friends give encouragement saying that this period will soon pass and will be a distant memory but time does seem to somehow slow down while waiting for something to happen.
It is not as if I am twiddling my thumbs with nothing to do. I am busy at work, preparing to sell the family home, going to my Electrolysis sessions and being a housewife running my rented accommodation in the few remaining hours of the week. But my goal and focus is always transition and it does not mater how busy I am or what else I do, the feeling of a life in limbo remains. Never have I looked forward to summer more than I am this year.
I know where I am going and how to get there, it just all seems a long way to go.
Two sessions a week! Wow, you are a glutton for punishment aren't you Louise? No wonder you don't get the time to be you. I had the Epilight treatment for the first eighteen months which was fifteen or sixteen twenty minute sessions every five weeks! I did not have to stop shaving in the intervening period except perhaps a day or so prior to each session. That rid me of all my dark hairs and actually benefitted my skin having the epilight treatment. I then had to resort to electrolysis to get rid of the white or pale hairs but even then I only went once a week. I must say though, I admire your pluck having electro for an hour twice weekly. Hopefully you won't need to go so frequently soon. I would have thought less frequent would be less damaging and would allow you skin to recover too.
ReplyDeleteSummer will be upon us before you know it but I am wondering why it is something special for you this year more than other years or is it about the time you will be coming out completely?
Do your work colleagues know about Louise yet? Best wishes on that one and for your whole journey too!
Shirley Anne xxx
This is post goal blues...
ReplyDeleteWe have targets along the way and focus on each in turn with everything we have. Once we attain each target our whole lives fall flat once the euphoria passes until we set our sights on the next target.
Transition is all about limbo, I think you will be in it for a lot less time than many of us if that is ant compensation.
Shirley Anne - I am looking forward to summer as I plan to go full-time at some point, hopefully late summer, and no my work colleagues don't know yet. Frequent Electro is better than a long limbo. Bravery doesn't come into it, it is just something that needs to be done.
ReplyDeleteCaroline - you keep telling me how short a time it will be before I am beyond the limbo stage but right now it feels like an eternity, as you know from your own experiences.
Hi Louise,
ReplyDeleteYour post reminds me of where I was last summer. (See http://attitude-analyst.blogspot.com/2011/07/looking-strange-and-enjoying-it-two.html .) I was two months into HRT and three weeks into electrolysis. I had stopped shaving on July 4 (a true Independence Day!) and was going the marathon route of 1-1.5 hours of electrolysis each evening after work and again on Saturdays. You can imagine what my face looked like. I was red and swollen in places, and in others, it appeared I was trying for a "mountain man" look. For this reason, I was much less out as Robyn than I had been even 1-2 months earlier.
But this did pass, and it passed quickly. By October, my face was clear and I was into just 1 hour of maintenance electrolysis per week. HRT also had finally kicked in in noticeable ways.
Your limbo of present may pass more quickly than you think :).
Robyn